Hella Hold'em

.... just don't get along!

I've been trying to figure out why that is. I'm only half kidding when I say that my face-to-face games are played primarily to fund my online poker habit. I seem to do nothing but lose money playing poker online. Sometimes I lose it quickly, sometimes slowly... but inevitably, I just give it away.

On one hand, I think that the fact that I can rarely start with more than $50 is limiting to begin with. That's two unlucky sessions at a $25NL table - half the bankroll risked in one sitting! But, I like to keep my face-to-face winnings separate and out of the online account, so they can get rolled back into more live games. (Or, so they can pay for my Vegas trip in March, wahooo!) With a higher starting fund, there'd be more room for variance.

I think another factor, though, is confidence level. I really can't believe I'm about to say this, but I play much more strongly in person than online. Thinking back to my first few live games and tournaments only a year ago, I was scared out of my skull and shaking like a leaf! I can't even describe exactly how or when I began to feel confident playing live games, but somewhere along the line, I did. I've even learned to control the shaky hands (which were a big problem for me).

But, put me online in a big hand, and I'm breathing heavy, hands shaking - a nervous wreck! Online! Nobody can see me - how in the world can I be nervous???

I know exactly how: it's because ** I ** can't see ** them **. It is comforting to me to be able to observe people. I love people-watching. And online, I can't watch people. I can't observe their mannerisms or any sort of physical tells whatsoever. I feel like I'm at a huge disadvantage, and that makes me less confident about my ability to read a situation.

PokerTracker has helped a bit in that regard, since it can provide a heads-up analysis of players statistically. I still somehow feel like I'm "missing" important pieces of information without the physical component.

And that affects my confidence. And scared money never wins.

So why don't I just quit playing online? Well, I honestly do wish I could find some more live games. I don't live far from a couple cardrooms, but I'm not yet comfortable with my bankroll to be able to play at them yet. 2005, however, is treating my quite well so far, and if I can carry that win streak into Vegas, maybe I'll come home able to start playing in some local cardrooms.

But the thing is, I don't WANT to stop playing online! I'm a computer geek anyway, so anything I can do online is excellent, be it for time-killing, or entertainment purposes, or educational pursuits - doesn't matter what it is. I enjoy playing poker online - mostly when I can sit down and chat with other players and have a good time. Winning would be nice, but I don't think I could give it up just because it's something I like to do.

I also like to THINK about poker, and playing online gives me 24/7 access to the game. I like to watch hands unfold, consider all of the variables, note how things turn out in different situations. Sure, I could just read books or watch TV, but online poker is wonderfully unpredictable when you're in the mood to analyze the game.

I look at some of the other sites and read of others' tales of losses and such, and have to laugh at myself. I posted a $35 loss today, and it's a big deal to me. LOL!!! People are losing hundreds and thousands of dollars, and here I am whining about thirty five bucks. That's half my online bankroll, though!! Ahh well. I guess it's all relative!

I've got enough in the Empire account for about one more session. Hopefully I can turn a profit from it, because if not, I don't think I'm ready to reload...... I need to find a way to rid myself of the online poker phobias.